BONDED FOREVER.
4. SELFISH.
ANDZISO
“Do you really have to leave now?”
“I was supposed to have left forty minutes ago,” I look at Pearl’s pouting lips and I can’t resist the urge to kiss them so I lean on the bed where she is, meaning for it to be a peck but she has me giving into more than just a peck.
Her hand starts fiddling with my belt and this is when I know that I really have to pull back or I’ll find myself entangled in her sheets again and I can’t have that. A have a little someone waiting for me back home and I made a promise to help her with her life skills poster so I really need to get out of here.
“I really have to go now, babe. You know I’d stay longer if I could,” I watch as she reluctantly nods. She’s not happy and I don’t blame her. Between us both having busy days and me having a daughter that I have to go home to every other evening, we don’t get to spend a lot of time together and I’ll be the first to admit that that’s on me. I’m still learning how to manage my time because I don’t usually compromise when it comes to my time with Khanyisa.
I made a promise to myself, her and her mother in absentia that I’d always be there for her, no matter what. Khanyisa isn’t blessed with two parents in her life and I’m the only one that she has ever known so one can imagine the guilt that I feel when I don’t spend as much time with her.
My brothers and sisters are always ready to step in and assist but ever since I moved us from Johannesburg to centurion, It’s been me, her and Enelo a lot of times. I got back in the dating scene close to three years ago and two of my relationships didn’t even get passed six months. I’m hitting the eight month mark with Pearl and honestly, things have been going good. I feel good and for the first time in a very long time, I’m truly interested in seeing where this goes. I’d love for us to work out, that’s for sure.
Pearl has been patient with me and hardly complains so it really gets to me when I see her this sad because I can’t spend more time with her. It leaves me feeling like a douche, wondering g if she deserves someone who can give most of their time.
“Can we spend the weekend together then?” she sits up from her sleeping position and the sheet pools at her waist, leaving her chest completely exposed to me. I look at her breasts then back at her face, already half regretting what I’m about to say so I say the words slowly as if it will soften their impact.
“Enelo is going home so I can’t, can we make it the other weekend?”
“I guess that will work,” She tries to keep a neutral facial expression but I can tell that she’s not good.
I finish getting dressed then I sit on the bed and pull her closer to me. “You know I love spending time with you, right?”
“I know, I just wish I could have more access to you…if I didn’t know better I’d think I’m the other woman,” her voice comes out strained towards the end.
“I hope you do know better,” I take her hand in mine “you’re not the other woman, you’re my only woman. It’s just been a busy season for me at work and the little time that I have must be split between Khanyisa and you but I do promise that it will get better. My work schedule will loosen up and I’ll make it up to you,”
“I don’t want you to think I’m competing with Khanyisa because I’m not. I agreed to be with you even after you told me you have a child and I don’t regret that. If anything, it makes me happy to know that I’m with someone who is a present father and I’m proud of you for that,”
“But…” I prompt her to finish.
“But nothing, I’m just being a needy girl, don’t mind me,”
“There’s no way you can expect me to not mind my needy girl. You’re mine after all, aren’t you?” I tickle her and she tries to get away feom me while giggling but it all leads to me trapping her underneath me.
“Andziso -” she says in hysterics and I keep messing with her.
“Say it,”
“Say what?” she asks trying to catch her breath.
“You know what, say it,”
“Okay, okay. I’m your needy girl,”
I stop and kiss her lips one more time “And next weekend I’ll take care of my needy girl. It’ll be just us,”
“You really mean that?” her smile makes its way back to her face.
“I do, I’ve been slacking and you’ve been patient with me. I don’t take that for granted,”
“I hope you never will. Now go home before Khanyisa dislikes me before she even meets me,” she jokes
“My little girl has no mean bone in her, you’ll see when you meet her,”
“Will I ever meet her though? I mean… Anytime soon?”
“As soon as we hit the one year mark,” I remind her. I’ve never introduced Khanyisa to anyone and when I started dating again I set this probably ridiculous rule that I’d only consider introducing her to whoever I’m with if we have been together for a year. There’s nothing much to it, just a preference I guess and I’m trying really hard not to introduce her to a lot of “aunties” I wouldn’t want her little heart to be torn of things don’t work out so even after a year, I won’t go fully in with the introductions. She will just know Pearl as daddy’s friend until a time comes for me to explain further than what I would have already explained.
I eventually manage to tear myself away from Pearl’s body and make my way home and at least I’m not leaving her with a frown. Now I have to find the perfect spot for us to go to for a weekend.
SHAMISO
“Shuu, what a day!” Ana loudly says while throwing herself on the couch as soon as we enter our apartment.
I decide to change into my comfortable clothes before falling into the trap of sitting down because of I do then I won’t be standing up anytime soon.
When I return, she’s already preparing the bread, chips and sausages that we bought on our way home. Some days we cook and some days we just war whatever and go to sleep, it all doesn’t matter as long as we aren’t going to bed on empty stomachs like we used to before we both ended up here.
I grab the two litre cold drink and and glasses then we get comfortable on the couch and start eating. I’m already looking forward to going to bed after this.
“I know you said you don’t want to continue talking about this but there is something that keeps bugging me,”
I sigh, preparing to hear a long speech “Okay, what is it?”
“What did you come back?”
“Huh?”
This isn’t what I had expected so it takes me by surprise.
“Why did you come back, Shamiso? Your aunt made a way for you to end up in Mozambique. You could have stayed there and started afresh. You could have changed your name, built a new life from scratch while leaving behind you life in Zimbabwe and here in South Africa. You could have left it all behind and just focused on you, why did you come back? “
” I told you that it was an impulsive decision, I’ve taken many of those before, “I avoid looking at her as I say this.
” I don’t think that’s the truth and you know it to. You know exactly why you came back. You’re a mother and you never got to know your daughter so you decided to come back for her. Am I lying? “she asks and I slowly shake my head” Then why aren’t you doing something about it?okay, that’s a dumb question because I know why but what I mean to ask or say is, you took a risk. You took a very big risk by coming back to this country so how can you let it be for nothing?
I know and understand that you’re afraid of what might happen if your family finds out that you’re still alive but how can you be sure that your uncle still has ties to people in this country? You guys left eight years ago, “
” He has businesses in Joburg, I don’t know if they are still running though-“
” My point exactly, you don’t know. What if all this time you’ve been hiding from nothing? What if you could have just gone ahead and approached Andziso that evening? “
” It’s not that easy, Ana. What if I risk it and all my fears come true? I don’t want to put anyone in harms way, especially Andziso and Sarai, “
” So what happens then? You sit here nursing a broken heart and wishing you could see your daughter until when? You’re already here, you’ve already taken the risk. Something just happen, you don’t have to fully lodge yourself in their lives, start with Andziso and explain the whole situation to him. Don’t leave anything out then see if you two can’t work anything out,”
” I… I don’t know, Ana… I do think about it, I just haven’t been brave enough to take that step,”
” I know and that is why I am here to take that first step with you. I’ll be here for you, I’ll be your messenger if need be. I’ll deliver your messages to him and help you guys connect. Shamiso, you deserve this and Sarai deserves to know her mother. Andziso deserves to know that the mother of his child is back too, do this for the three of you and who knows? You might just be putting back together your family, “
“You saw that he was with someone the other time. Besides, I don’t think it’s still possible to repair our relationship like that,”
“You never know,”
“I do know. What happened really hurt him and after all this time, I’m not expecting to find him waiting for me,” Andziso deserves to be happy, he deserves everything good in his life and I’m not here to disrupt that. Ana is right, I came here for a reason and that reason isn’t because I want to disrupt his life, my main priority is Sarai, I took this risk because I couldn’t bare never seeing her again and now that I’ve gotten a glimpse of her, that yearning is stronger than ever. The only thing that’s been holding me back is the possibility of me getting her in harms way, that’s the thing that always gets me to take a step back. The fear of getting her, my aunt and Andziso hurt or worse…
“Okay, we do this for Sarai then,” she declares and gets up to take the dishes to the sink before returning with her phone “I’m ready, let’s find out more about Andziso, what’s his full name?” she asks.
“Andziso Rhangani,”
And with that, she goes straight to Facebook, our first stop. What we find is an account that’s hardly active, from what I can remember, he wasn’t much of a social media person and because I wasn’t allowed to have anything other than WhatsApp, I wouldn’t know how else to find him.
Ana doesn’t give up though, she she loves to Instagram and there’s a few accounts with similar names so we scroll I make her stop “There, that’s him,”
She excitedly clicks on his account and thank goodness it’s public. Just as expected, Andziso doesn’t post much but there’s a couple of pictures and Ana excitedly starts scrolling through them. I just look, I don’t say anything, I just look at at the face that I have so missed. I almost can’t believe that I’m looking at him, it feels like I might get caught and there’s this rush flowing through me.
“That’s him,” I whisper again. He has grown to be even more handsome than before and there’s that smile, the one that had me thinking I could risk it all just for my own heart.
“Damn, now that I’m seeing him close up I must say, he is such a daddy, girl! This is who you reproduced with?” she drools over his images and I refrain from grabbing the phone from her.
“Scroll down, I want to see if he posted pictures of Sarai,”
“For real? You’re not going to say anything about his looks?”
“Why should I torture myself? I know what I parted with years ago and I’m not going to feed my mind any false hope. If I am to approach Andziso it will be because of our daughter, I’m not expecting anything else from him,”
“The way you are preaching just let’s me know you still feel something for him but okay, let’s look for my niece,” she continues scrolling and we find what we are looking for.
It’s a picture of her alone, it’s a half picture that shows her beautiful face, her sparkling eyes and the prettiest smile I have ever seen. Ana gives me the phone and my vision becomes blury in just seconds. I try to blink the tears away but they just fall “That’s my little girl,” I whisper.
“She looks so much like you, it feels like I’m looking at a younger version of you,” Ana says.
“She’s so beautiful,”
“She really is,” I hear her voice cracking and I find her wiping her own tears “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be dramatic. My heart just breaks for you, I don’t even have a child but I feel like I’d die if I ever had to to got what you went through,”
“They were never going to let me raise her, I’m just glad she Andziso was there to take her. I don’t want to imagine what would have happened if…”
“Don’t think about it, things worked out. She’s is safe with her father,”
“Exactly… She is safe with her father. I was selfish before, Anaishe. I put my own desires first and that is how I needed up involving him in my mess. I messed both our lives up and left him to pick up the pieces without me. Now that he has, how do I walk back into their lives and risk turning it upside down again? That will be me being selfish all over again. I should have never come back, I should have stayed in Mozambique but I acted on my selfishness yet again, putting everyone at risk again-“
” Shamiso-“
” No, Ana. I can’t do this, I can’t do this to them. I can’t enter their lives only to leave them with broken hearts again. It’s not right, ” I get up and walk away, already feeling guilty about even wanting to get closer to them. I shouldn’t be selfish. Not again.