BONDED FOREVER
26. WE NEED TO TALK.
SHAMISO
We stay at the restaurant until Khanyisa starts showing signs of being sleepy, even though she tries to hide it. Andziso has been pulled aside and this time I decided to just take a seat and relax with my little girl who’s full to the point of not even wanting to talk. The last thing she asked for was a glass of water and now she’s on my lap with her head in my chest while insecure her with my arms. No words are exchanged between us and it has to be one of my best highlights for the night, just being able to hold her like this whole the world continues around us.
“Are you guys ready to go?” Andziso asks when he joins us again and I look up to find him standing right behind me.
“Yeah, I think we should call it a night.”
“Me too.” Khanyisa adds with a yawn then she groans.
The bill is settled then we make our way out, he’s sure to bid farewell to the man who invited him and the man says he wishes to see us again soon. All I can do is offer a smile, I don’t know what the rest of the night holds. Andziso said we will talk and I’m not sure what it is that he wants to say to me but if it’s another runaround then I guess I’ll have to put my foot down, firmer this time around.
Khanyisa falls asleep while resting her head on my lap, I’m quickly learning that car rides are the quickest ways to get her to fall asleep. I on the other hand just focus on the beauty of the night by looking out the car window. A ride in the nighttime is the perfect time for one to start thinking about their life so that’s what I do. A year ago, I would have never omgined that I’ll be where I am today. It feels like I’m rebuilding my life from scratch, I’m starting from scratch but I still have parts from my past, the best parts of course to make this a life worth living.
Yes, I dropped out of school and my life was disrupted in a big way but I’m not going to spend time thinking about it anymore. It’s time for me to look forward to the future and see what kind of life I can build for myself, without being flagged for walking around while there’s a death certificate with my name on it. Right now I’m using the documents that my father had done for me when I first came to this country and I’m trying not to use them too much, lest someone catches on.
My thoughts lead to me beginning to feel sleepy too so I take a quick nap until Andziso wakes me up to let me know that we’ve arrived back at the hotel. He carries Khanyisa in his arms and I follow him until we make our way into my suite where he gets her read for bed while I wash off the bit of make-up that I had on, I decide that I’ll take my dress off when he leaves so I just swap my heels for the hotel slippers and I also put on their robe before exiting the bathroom.
He’s already back in the lounge area and his rolled up his shirt sleeves and unbuttoned a few buttons probably in an attempt to get comfortable.
“She’s still sleeping?” I aask just to start a conversation.
“Yeah, it was a busy night and her full tummy won’t allow her to wake up.” he says with light laughter.
“Atleast she’s not experiencing cramps. You should get some rest too.” I suggest. Maybe we should both just go too sleep before we ruin the night, I don’t trust myself around Andziso.
“I said we will talk, remember? So we’re going to talk right now. Come here.”
I first glance at the closed bedroom door then I make my way over to where he’s standing by the couch. I sit on it and he pulls closer the wooden table so he can sit in front of me, not just that but his legs are spread out so he can cage mine between them, giving me no option to move away from him. He’s too close and the way he’s looking at me… Gosh.
“You looked very beautiful tonight. I couldn’t keep my eyes off you.” there he goes, making me blush and look away “Look at me. I want to start by apologizing for making you think that I don’t love you anymore because the truth is, you’re still walking around with my heart.”
“Please don’t-“
“It’s true. When you disappeared, you left with it and now that you’re back, it’s still with you, the only difference right now is that my love for you has grown, matured and intensified. I feel it everytime I open my eyes for the new day. You’re all I think about, Mhana Khanyisa. “
“Why must you make me feel like this?” I quietly ask him.
“Is it a crime?”
“It is when you know that you have a woman waiting for you back home. I cannot become a part of a love triangle, Andziso. I’ve told you this before.”
“And I heard you, baby.”
“I don’t think you really did or you wouldn’t have sneakily arranged for me to come here.”
“But in the end, the choice remained with you, didn’t it? You could have said no to this trip and you know very well that I wouldn’t have held it against you.” he eyes me like he’s trying to pierce my soul.
“You’re right but that would mean disappointing Khanyisa.”
“Or it would mean that deep down, you also wanted to be here, with me.”
“What’s the point of this talk? You’re with Pearl and… Honestly, I can’t do this to myself. Back then when Rudo-“
He interrupts me “I’m really not trying to hear about the man that your family arranged for you to marry, baby. I don’t want to think about him and I certainly don’t want to hear his name rolling off the tip of your tongue, I’m still very much sour about the fact that you were someone’s wife for an entire six years.” he confesses.
” And how do you think I feel about knowing you’ve moved on and that even in this very second, you’re still hers? “I ask and he looks down.” Whats I wanted to say about Rudo is this, I didn’t care when he brought in another woman. Infact, he could have gone ahead to marry fifty more women and that would have done absolutely nothing to my heart and soul except to set me free of my duties as his wife but that didn’t mean I was excused to the ill treatment and the hatred that came from the other wife. She made my stay in that house unbearable and because she was his best flavour at that moment, he let her have her way with mistreating me. I don’t want to find myself in that position again, I don’t want to question my place in your life. At least if I know that I’m just the mother of your child then that’s okay. No one can come and disrupt my peace. “
” That is not what I want to present you with tonight. I’m not going to ask you to hop onto an already existing relationship. You know me, I’ve never had a string of girlfriends at the same time and now that I’m older I’m not about to have a string of women in my life, at the same time. You deserve so much better than that, we all do, the three of us. “
” What does that mean? “
He reaches for my hands and covers them with his.” It means that I realise that the longer I keep fighting this, the harder it’s going to get for me to be honest with my feelings to Pearl. “
I shake my head ” I’m in no way asking you to end your relationship.”
“The fact that you’re even considering that you may be influcing this decision just shows that I haven’t been man enough to show you what it is that I really want. You don’t have to ask me to be yours, Shamiso. I’ve been yours, since the day I laid my eyes on you and the day you borrowed me your charger? That was the day you gave me a window of chance. I have since lobes you in a way that will not allow me to pretend that I don’t and I’m not saying this because we have that little girl sleeping in there, no. She’s a bonus, a reminder of our love even though it started off with a disaster. I sometimes think that she got your face so my heart could be comforted when I looked at her, knowing that you couldn’t be there.
I waited, baby. I really did and even when I went on to date others, it was still with the hope that you’d come back. Until I met Pearl and one day I thought to myself that I need to stop living on false hope and that’s when I took my relationship with her seriously. She’s a good person, she’s kind hearted and she deserves everything good in this life. Which is why it’s been so hard for me to be honest about my true desires because I didn’t want to be the one to cause her heartbreak. She doesn’t deserve any of that, but you also don’t deserve to watch the man that you love and you know loves you deeply spend his life with someone else. I also don’t deserve to sacrifice what my heart wants just to protect hers. We’re in a mess and only I can get us out of it. I know that and I’m ready to do that. I’m not ready to watch you move on, not when I know that you love me just as much as I love you. That’s not fair on any of us so as soon as we get home I’m going to fix this and then it’ll be just us. Do you trust me to do this for us? “
” I’ve never lost my trust in you. I just… I don’t know, maybe it’s the guilt that has me feeling like the other woman who came in and wrecked your relationship. “
” Did you break up with me before you left? “
” No, I didn’t. “
” There you have it then, you’re not the other woman. You’re my first and last love who has returned and now I can’t see myself living without you again. Even if I’m the one who had to lock you up in my house this time again. I love you, Shamiso. I never stopped and I’m sorry for making you doubt my love for you, I’m sorry for being a coward. “
” I get that you were stuck between a rock and a hard place. “
” I was stuck between not wanting to break anyone’s heart but I was wounding our love. That’s never going to be okay. “he leans closer and has his forehead against mine. I shut my eyes and open then again when I feels his face even closer, with his lips hovering over mine, I’m so close to giving in and in just a blink of an eye, he pulls away.
” I want nothing but to taste your lips right now but not like this, not when I still haven’t concluded things with Pearl. I need to do this right . when I do kiss you, I’ll be yours and yours and yours alone.”
Without thinking I run my tongue over my lower lip then trap the lip with my teeth for some control then I nod.
.
.
.
ANDZISO
This morning I first dropped Shamiso off at her apartment then I took Khanyisa home. I decided to get some rest but before that, I called Pearl and asked to see her later and now it is later and I am driving to her place.
I’m not having second thoughts or even doubts. The only thing that’s weighing heavy in my soul is that I’m about to cause a good woman pain. I’m about to become the villain in her story and I deserve that, I know I do. I just can’t continue putting everything else on hold like it means nothing to me. I lose myself whenever I’m in Shamiso’s presence. I wouldn’t want Pearl to see the way that I look at Shamiso, I wouldn’t want her to see the pull that she has over me and deep down, I know that this is for the best.
Holding on to a relationship because a made a promise only means that I’m wasting her time and I’m selling her dreams when she could be out there, living her best life and possibly meeting a man who will love her the way that she deserves to be loved.
I scoff when this thought crosses my mind. I’m about to pull the “It’s not you, it’s me” card on her and nothing about that will be a lie. As good as a man that I know I am, this is just something that I need to see through in order to set all of us free so when I park my car I don’t waste any time. I immediately step out of the car and walk over to her apartment, how I wish I had a bit of Bakang’s character in me right now. Maybe things wouldn’t have even gotten this far because I would have broken things off from the moment Shamiso stepped back into my life.
I knock twice before the door opens and she happily throws her hands around my neck while pressing our bodies together. I return the hug and wait for her to pull away and when she pecks my lips, I am glad I moved away from kissing Shamiso last night. When I get to kiss her again, hers will be the only lips I ever get to kiss like that moving forward.
“I missed you so much, come in.” Pearl says.
The first thing I see is the unopened champagne and two glasses on the kitchen counter. I don’t question it though. Or I don’t get the chance to because she immediately asks “How was your trip?”
“It was good. The Western Cape is always a nice place to be.”
“And I’m so mad over the fact that I missed out, and that I missed out on meeting little Khanyisa but I’ll make up for it. Did you even get enough rest?” she raises an eyebrow while eyeing me.
“I did.”
“It doesn’t look like it, you look at little tense. Don’t tell me the pitch didn’t go according to plan.” she frowns.
There is no use prolonging this. Whether I tell her now or five minutes later, it won’t change anything. I may as well rip off the band aid.
” There’s something I need to say-“
” Me first, please. I can’t hold it in any longer. ” she blurts out excitedly. I decide to give her the platform first.
“Okay, I’m all ears.”
“Come, let’s sit first.” the joy in her eyes can’t be missed. It has me feeling like a complete asshole because I know I’m going to replace it with something else. “So… Do you remember when I told you the our company just merged with a another firm abroad?”
“Yes, I think you said it was in New Zealand.”
“Yeap, that’s the one. So on Friday, my boss asked to see me before I left for the finance fest and he told me that the company wants to send me there as part of the cross-border M&A integration program.” her eyes are wide opened as she delivers the news.
“That’s wonderful news.”
“I know right? I mean, I always knew that some people would be selced to go that side but I never expected it to be me.”
“Why not? You’re a hard worker and I could see that then your bosses see it too.”
“You see it because you’re my man.” she giggles and the guilt strikes again. “I’ve been waiting for you to come back so I can share the news personally. I know we didn’t plan for this and New Zealand is far away but it will only be for a minimum of eight months, babe then I come back. This could be a huge boost to my career-“
“Pearl.” I stop her when I see which direction this is taking “I would never stop you from achieving your dreams, you know that.”
“I do, you’ve always been supportive of my work and I love you for that. This is a big opportunity and I don’t want to miss it out, imagine what my profile will look like after this. I’m sure we can always video call and make it work, I know we can.” I’m stuck sitting there and looking at her until she gets up and says” I got us the champagne but now I feel like going out to celebrate, I’ve been waiting for this moment so I could share my good news with you. Let me quickly change then we can go and celebrate. “
Should I let her have her night? Should I let her celebrate this moment because she waited for me to come back, she out a pause because she wanted to celebrate with me and now I’m here but at the same time, I don’t want to stretch this more than I already have. I said I would make things right when we came back and now we’re back. One way or another, this night will not be ending on a high note so I gently pull her hand before she can get far from me and she turns to look at me. “We need to talk.”