BONDED FOREVER
22. I THINK I DO.
ANDZISO
“Okay, I got popcorn, skittles, marshmallows, assorted nuts, pizza and juice. Did I get everything?” I ask like a good employee because Khanyisa had been bossing me around since I started setting up in our living room for the movie evening with her mother.
” Yes, thank you. “she gets up from the air mattress and helps me set up the snack table.
This is something that I usually do with her. The TV in here is huge and the space allows me to move the furniture around and set up on the floor, one of the couches is used as a headboard.
Khanyisa took it upon herself to set up on the air mattress, there’s fluffy, light blankets, pillows ans teddy bears. It’s looks cosy. The lights have been deemed to give this room a cinema touch and she’s already in her pink pajamas while her mother’s are laid on the mattress. She convinced me to get a matching set even after I told her that her mother wouldn’t be sleeping over.
I’ll be heading out to give the two some space to bond. At least that is what I’m willing to say out loud, the truth is I need to create some space between Shamiso and I before I lose my mind. It feels like I can’t think properly when I’m in her presence. I know myself to be someone who makes a decision and stick by it but right now, I don’t know how I’m going to conquer this internal battle that I’m faced with.
It’s at a point where I didn’t even call Pearl to check if she’s available for me to go and spend time with her. I just need some air, I need to keep my sanity intact so I’m meeting with Bakang instead, it’s probably not the best way to stay sane but he’s still my friend and he can easily provide a distraction.
When Shamiso arrives, she’s ushered in by Enelo then I hear her telling her where we are. My eyes are immediately fixed in the direction that I know she will appear from and when she does… I can’t explain what happens with me. I am quickly realizing that when Shamiso is around, I just want to keep her close. Be it to make sure that no one gets too close or to just have her next to me. My body easily gravitates to where she is and I often find myself stepping in her personal space. This evening, however, I fight the urge to step closer to her as my eyes take her in.
She’s coming from work so she’s dressed in a long sleeve shirt, jeans that hug her curves like they were made on her and platform sandals. Some of her braids are left loose whilst the top ones are held together by a garter and she looks so damn… No… No this is not what I am thinking of right now.
She smiles at me, completely oblivious to the fact that I am scolding myself right now for allowing my mind to overstep. Luckily, Khanyisa comes through for me when she rushes to attack her with a hug. Shamiso picks her up and kisses her temple then she lets her down and looks around the room.
“It is so pretty in here, did you guys do this?”
“Yes, daddy helped.” look at this one, taking most of the credit when I’m the one who did more of the work and she helped.
“It looks amazing, we’re going to have the best time ever.”
“We have matching pajamas, mommy. You can go and change so we can look the same.” Khanyisa hands the clothes to her mom who reluctantly accepts them.
“Sweety, you know that I won’t be sleeping over, right?”
“I know but you need to be comfortable when we are watching the movie, we can even take pictures together and when you leave you will put your clothes on again, please.” there she goes with that voice that always does me in. Shamiso has fallen victim to it because she puts her bag down and tells us that she will be right back. I tell her to find me in the kitchen when she’s done.
After leaving Khanyisa to relax with the remote on her side waiting for her mom to return so she can press play, I head to the kitchen. I need water, no, I need something stronger because I just caught myself staring at Shamiso as she turned to walk away. I don’t know how to feel all of this without feeling the guilt that accompanies it.
Moments later she walks in, she has no shoes on but she has pink socks, the same kind that Khanyisa has and her braids are now completely loose with the garter on her wrist, She is beaitiful. “You agreed to this?” she asks while looking down at herself.
“She’s very persuasive and she backs her requests with good reasons.” I say with a bit of a smirk. She might want to pin this on me but we both know that we are guilty of being a little linient where our daughter is concerned.
“Good reasons?”
“Yes, she’s not wrong. Jeans are not quite comfortable when you’re trying to relax and be cosy.”
“That is a good point. I just don’t want to get her hopes up.”
“We were both honest with her, she’s aware that you still have to leave after the movie. She just wants you to fit the aesthetic, a cosy movie night.”
I don’t even realise that I’ve taken steps closer to where she is and now I’m right in her personal space and I’m just drawn to her face. Her alluring eyes and soft lips…
” Andziso? “
” Huh? I’m sorry, you were saying? ” damn, did I just zone out?
“I was saying that maybe we could start considering having her coming to sleep over at my place, that way we grant her wish and I don’t overstay my welcome on your house.”
“Who said you’re overstaying?” the words come out harsh and I immediately regret it when I see her frown. I don’t want to see a frown on her face.
“I… I don’t really know how far these boundaries go, Andziso and I don’t want to confuse myself.”
I stretch out my hand to fix a side of her braids that doesn’t even need fixing and my knuckles brush against her soft skin as I tuck some of the braids behind her ear. With my hand behind her neck, I look at her intently and I son wish I wasn’t this messed up on the inside. Should I just have waited for her instead? But how when I didn’t even know that she was coming back? Now there’s just a lot that is a mess and I can’t say that I don’t care about hurting Pearl because I do, the last thing I want is for her to be hurt because of me when I promised her that I wouldn’t. Fuck… This is just too much.
“You’re Khanyisa’s mother, there’s not a time when you will not be welcomed in here and I don’t want to hear those words coming from you again, you hear me?” I lower my face just so my lips are hovering just above hers.
She tries to nod in agreement “I hear you.”
“Do you understand me too, Shamiso?”
“I think I do.” she lowly says.
I shut my eyes and summon all my restraint back, I’m not a cheater, I never was and I’m not about to become one right now. Especially with the mother of my child. “Okay. I’ll be heading out now, if I’m not back by the time that you want to leave just let Enelo know and she will know to call your driver.”
I watch her swallow hard the she says”Okay. I’ll do that.” she doesn’t look at me as she says this.
I move away from her before doing anything else and I make my way out. I need some air, I desperately need some air.
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ANDZISO
“You stopped your baby mama from going out but you’re out here? Typical baby daddy behavior.” Bakang says with a hint of playfulness in his tone, pretending to judge me.
“I didn’t stop her from doing anything, she already had plans.”
“Plans you saw fit to announce loud enough for everyone present on that moment to hear, huh? Just to make sure that everyone there knows that she carried your seed.” he gives me a narrowed eyes look.
“Did you want me to get up close and personal then whisper in her ear?”
“No, but you also had the option to tell her when it was just the two of you. You just did it so Njabulo would know that that’s yours and you don’t play when it comes to her.”
“Don’t.”
He laughs first before saying “Denial never looked good on you, not back then, not right now. Besides, I was there to witness how much she broke you by disappearing. It was apparent to me right then that you had just lost your once in a life time and you wouldn’t recover from it, no matter who you got with in future. You say you’ve moved on but here you are, attracting heart problems and anger issues because you can’t stand to see another guy looking at Shamiso and wanting to make a move on her.”
“I never said that.” I groan, I came here hoping that he would help take my mind off things.
“You didn’t have to, you’re my friend and I know you. As much as yesterday was amusing, I wouldn’t be a good freind if I told you that it wasn’t a glimpse of what your life will look like if you don’t make your move right now. You will watch her move on with some dude that Khanyisa will call “bonus dad” and he will be laying next to fine Shamiso every night, doing her right. All because you don’t want to get what’s yours. “
” Khanyisa is calling no one else dad except me and my brother. “I make that point clear. It will not happen.
” She might if you let her mother slip away. “
” It’s not as easy as you make it out to be, as it is, I feel like crap for looking at Shamiso the way that I did earlier knowing very well that I’m with Pearl, someone who hasn’t done anything to deserve such treatment. “
” It’s not about what you did, man, it’s about how you feel and right now, we both know that you never truly collected your heart back from Shamiso. What you’re doing is torturing the two of you. Look at it this way, one way or another, someone’s heart is bound to get broken, it’s inevitable and the longer you drag it the harder the heart will break. You need to fix this. Now, I’ve said my piece and therapy session is over. Let’s get sloshed.”
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I make my way back to my house in after midnight. I’ll admit that I stayed out longer because I was avoiding having to see Shamiso. I don’t trust myself right now and any interaction with her requires me to be a hundred percent sober. Lest I cross a line I cannot uncross the next morning.
The house is quiet and I’m assuming that she left and Khanyisa went to bed but when I check in the living room, I’m met by a sight that I once longed for with all my heart. They are both sleeping soundly on the mattress, Khanyisa is snuggled up to her mother and Shamiso has an arm around her. The screen is off and the light coming from the LED lights around the room. I step closer to them and just stand there, watching both of them as I sleep. A flood of emotions hits me at once and I silently make a few admissions to myself. I decide to take a picture that I’ll show Khanyisa tomorrow and I slowly leave them and head to my room where I strip off my clothes, leaving just my trunks in then I get under the covers and go to my gallery to view Pearl’s pictures and it feels like I’m hammering my own conscious and berating myself for feeling what I swore to everyone that I will not feel. I shut my eyes and accept one simple fact. I’m fucked.