BONDED FOREVER.
10. EARLY DAYS.
ANDZISO
I stare at the wall of fame by the staircase in my brother’s house. It was set up my ses’Voni and just like in my brother’s first house, our mom’s picture is right at the centre. On the sides there’s mine and Tiyani’s graduation photos. The recent addition is the family portrait at the top with my brothers and their wives and me holding a six month old Khanyisa. Right next to it is a recent family photo of boti Nhlamulo and his own extension of the family and there are a few more of the times we celebrated our big achievements such as when he and Lefa opened their company, when the three of us opened Khanyisa Tech Solutions and when Tiyani started his own firm. My sisters in-law have always made it a point that we go big on our celebrations. Not big as in having a large crowd surrounding us but big as in it being just us but having a fancy night out where we dress up and celebrate each other. Standing here and looking at us and how much our broken family of three has grown and healed gives me a feeling I can’t even begin to describe but it’s a good one, it’s one that makes you take a deep breath then smile at the memories. Unfortunately, I cannot be smiling at all the memories right now, especially the one that has recently resurfaced.
“You look like you need this.” my brother halts my train of thoughts and offers me a cold beer “that’s the only one you’re getting seeing that you still have to head back.”
“That fact that you still regulate my drinking as old as I am is something else, you know I’m a grown man, right?”
“You know that no matter how old you grow, you’ll never outgrow me, right?” he chooses to throw back a question rather than answering mine.
He moves to the couches and I follow him. “You look like you’ve got a load on your shoulders, one that you didn’t have the last time I saw you.”
That’s another thing about boti Nhlamulo. He sees through us before we even say the words and when we are far, all he needs is to hear our voice and he knows that there’s trouble. The same way he told me to come see him today when I called him last night. He didn’t ask what the matter was, he simply told me to come home and here I am.
I take one sip of my drink then say “She’s back.”
I look at him for a reaction but he just furrows his eyebrows and nods. He doesn’t ask who I’m talking about, he just asks “When did she come back?” like he’s been expecting that one day she will show up. There was a time I strongly held on to the hope that Shamiso would walk back into my life, I must have left her over a hundred and fifty voice messages, telling her I missed her and begging her to come back, even if she was coming back for Khanyisa only I would have learned to live with it. I just wanted her to come back.
But then weeks became months and months became years. Slowly, I started letting go of that hope. I realised that Shamiso wasn’t coming back for me or our daughter, she was truly gone and I forced my heart to start accept that she was gone. I made peace with her absence and now she’s back.
“She’s been in the country for about a year but only came back to Gauteng about three months back.”
“And what kept her away from Khanyisa when she stepped on the South African soil again?” my brother calmly asks but I know he’s already thinking about this whole thing so I add on to the list of things he can think about by telling him everything that she told me.
I tell him about her going back home, her getting married, faking her own death, going to Mozambique, finding her way to the country again, working in a farm in Limpopo and where she is now. I tell her about her worries about her uncle, everything. I lay it all out for him and even as I speak the words, part of me still cannot believe that I am talking about her, everything that she has had to endure has me asking myself how she has managed to stay standing.
“I can see why she didn’t come to you. As much as she is desperate to be in Khanyisa’s life, we can’t just throw caution to the wind and hope for the best. We are dealing with an animal of a man here, a man who won’t think twice before spilling blood that has traces of his own family in it and right now, Khanyisa’s safety is what should be considered before anything else happens. “
” That’s what’s been on my mind. ” I took a day to think about everything, to just try and digest everything. I asked Shamiso for some time and I assured her that I wasn’t in anyway trying to spite or make life difficult for her. She didn’t leave Khanyisa of her own free will, of course I will not keep our daughter from her but I can’t ignore the risk that comes with her presence. Her family knows her to be dead, if Tongai or any of his people ever spotted her then our daughter will immediately become a target, I can’t have that and I’d hate to deal with those consequences. I need a plan, a pepper plan because at the end of the day, I am not prepared to risk with Khanyisa’s life.
“His words still replay in my head. He swore to kill her if I ever brought her to his family, Shamiso included.” I say more to myself.
“With men like him, it’s best to not think he was bluffing. If he could separate mother from child without a second thought then his heart holds no reservations for Khanyisa at all. She’s nothing to him.”
“I want Khanyisa to know her mother. I want her to know where all her facial features come from. I want her to know who gave her life. I want her to finally be like other kids, to be able to say ‘mommy’ but her safety overrules all those things.” I firmly say.
” I agree. What did you say to Shamiso? Surely she knows that there will not be an immediate reunion. “
” I told her I need time. “
” Good. I’ll look into Tongai, find out if he still has any ties here but this will not take a day. Khanyisa is my daughter too so I will not do rush work just so we can reunite her with her mother. As unfair as it sounds, we need to dig deep and truly be sure that it is safe for her to be around her mother.I’m going to dig into Shamiso as well. I know you trust her but she’s been gone for eight years. “
” I wouldn’t expect anything less. Like I said, Khanyisa’s safety means everything to me more than anything else. I don’t want to go into this blindly only to lose my daughter so whatever needs to be done, do it. “
” I’ll invade her entire privacy and you can’t give her a heads up, she can’t know until she’s cleared. “he eyes me like it’s me he’s testing.
” I know what must happen, boti. “
” And you’re good with it? “
” I am. “I assure him.
” Alright. I’ll get to it as soon as you leave. Now tell me, how do you feel about her being back? “
” I don’t know. “I stop and chuckle” She rocked my entire existence for a while there, I lost control of myself and my emotions. “I don’t admit to him that I shed a few tears too but the truth is that seeing Shamiso lifted some long suppressed tension off my shoulders. I may have fought hard to stop thinking about her every waking day but there are times when I did think about her and wondered if she was even alive. With how things ended between us, how could I not consider that the worst had happened? So when I saw her and when she told me about her life for the past eight years, for a moment I went back to being that helpless boy. I couldn’t help her, I couldn’t help myself. I couldn’t do anything. Her presence took me back and at the same time it have me the much needed relief that I needed. She’s still alive.
“I can only imagine. I don’t think I would have remained standing had it been Vonani who disappeared.” he says.
“I think you would have turned the whole world upside down just to find her.”
“Hey, things were beyond your control then and we had to focus on Khanyisa. You have control now, it’s different.”
“I hope it is.” I’d hate for her to show up only to disappear again. This is no longer just about me, Khanyisa is old enough to keep track of her memories now. I want to protect her heart from having to go through what mine went through and in her case it will be worse because this is her mother.
“And Pearl? Does the change impact on her as well?”
“I’m not going to leave her because Shamiso is back, if that’s what you’re asking.” I make sure my words don’t falter. Yes, there’s a lot of unresolved issues and feelings but Pearl was not a place holder. I didn’t get with her because I wanted to pass time while waiting for Shamiso to return. I had even lost hope that she would return.
“Are you sure? Your life is about to take a turn.”
“I know that and if Pearl will still have me then I see no reason why things should change between us.”
Boti Nhlamulo looks at me for a moment then says “It’s still early days, so I won’t ask you the million dollar question yet. Let’s focus on one thing at a time.”
I agree to this “Yes. Let’s focus on finding a way to reunite mother and daughter without any complications. That’s all I’m thinking about right now.”
.
.
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PEARL
The plan was to see Andziso tomorrow when we leave for our trip but he called asking to see me and my my nerves are up and I’m over thinking.
Mika’s words keep replaying in my head. What if he’s coming here to tell me that we can’t go? That will really hurt my feelings. I’ve been looking forward to this and my suitcase is already packed. It was packed from Tuesday honestly and now I feel a knot forming on my throat before Andziso even arrives.
I got home and kept myself busy by cooking. I then sent him a text that I’m making supper just to test if he’s going to be staying long and he replied with a “now I can’t wait to get there” that eased my heart a little bit.
I’m not sure when I became this jumpy where our relationship is concerned but I believe it’s all because we have a pending trip and I’m hoping he won’t let me down. Mika would never let me hear the end of it if he does that to me. She will go into the new year still telling me that she warned me against dating someone’s father.
I’ve just finished with my pasta meal and I bought desert. As to whether I’ll enjoy it with him or I’ll end up eating it as comfort food remains to be seen.
I’m quick to rush to the door when he knocks and I’m welcomes by a large floral arrangement of roses, different coulored roses with the red ones at the center. My smile immediately grows and I hug him from the side and take the roses from him.
He shuts the door while I pull out one of my wide vases. Andziso introduced me to the love of having fresh roses in my kitchen and in my office nanadad he’s living up to this gesture that he has gotten me used to.
“These are so beautiful, baby. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Now that your arms are free, come give me a proper greeting.” He says as soon as the roses are set aside.
He has me in his arms and kisses me like he hasn’t had a feel of my lips in ages. I’m not complaining though, I love and enjoy every moment of it.
” How was your day? “he asks when our lips separate but his hands are still very much rested on my butt.
” It was okay, I kept thinking about you. “
” And that it what I love to hear. ” he playfully kisses my neck and I feel the tip of his nose feintly against my skin.” It smells amazing in here, did you make one of your favorite pasta dishes?”
“You know me. I love quick stuff but I always make sure that it’s tasty.”
“I have no doubt about that, baby.”
He finally lets go of me and I dish up for the both of us. We both make sure to keep the conversation light and flowing, with no mention of the pending trip but judging by how relaxed he is, I don’t think tonight will end badly at all. I end up offering her the mulva pudding and custard then he offers to do the dishes because I did the cooking. I excuse myself to go relax in the living room and as soon as he’s done, he comes to join me.
He raises my feet so he can sit then he keeps them on his lap and massages them. “Are you watching?” he enquires about the series playing on the TV. I know that he will have to leave not too long from now so I shake my head and mute the TV.
“What’s on your mind?” I ask the question I’ve been wanting to ask since he got here.
“There’s something I want you to know, because I promised to be open with you.”
“Okay, I’m listening.” I adjust my sitting poison but keep my feet on him, I’m enjoying what his hands are doing.
“Khanyisa’s mother is back. I saw her a day ago.” he drops the bomb and it goes silent. I don’t know how to reapk d to this and I’m not sure that I like the ball of nerves that’s growing at the pit of my stomach.
“Oh… Did she say where she’s been?”
I don’t know much about Khanyisa’s mother. Andziso hardly speaks about her and I have never asked beyond what he shared with me when he told me that he has a daughter. At the time, I was only interested in knowing if he was still in a relationship with the mother of his child but he said she wasn’t even around and it’s been years so I let the matter rest. If anything, I was selfishly grateful for her absence because it gave me some reassurance that I won’t be stuck in some drama…and now he’s saying that she’s back, I don’t know what to make of this. I don’t even know what to ask.
“She came back into the country a while back but hadn’t been here… Close… For a long time.”
He’s being vague. “Did she at least explain why she just disappeared for this long?”
“I know why she left,babe. Her family wasn’t happy about her having a baby at a young age.” he jots my memory and I remember him mentioning something like this “Anyway, she’s back and she’s asking to be a part of Khanyisa’s life.”
“How do you feel about that?” I can see how this is weighing on him. He’s been a single dad for eight years. I guess I can see why her return seems to have shaken him but I can’t help but wonder if it only has to do with Khanyisa.
“I don’t know, there’s really a lot going on in my head right now and I haven’t even begun to work through it. I’ve just still been trying to make sense of her return… I haven’t even told Khanyisa about her yet. I have a lot to work through before I can put her in front of Khanyisa. “he says thoughtfully.
” I guess that means I should be unpacking. We can do the trip some other time. “I decide to say it before he does. This is clearly something big and it wouldn’t be okay for me to force him to still go on a weekend away and leave this hanging.
I get up and he does the same, stopping me from walking away but I desperately need him to let me move before my tears fall. I don’t want him to think I’m guilt tripping him into going away with me and I certainly don’t want to cry for a “maybe trip” as Mika puts it.
“Hey, where are you going?” he pulls me close to him.
“I told you that I need to unpack.”
“Why do you need to upack?” he asks and that makes me look at him. I don’t know what to say so I bite my lower lip and look away from him. “I never said we’re no longer going, baby. That’s not what I came here for.”
“I… But you just said Khanyisa’s mother is back.”
“And she has nothing to do with our plans. She’s not going anywhere, hopefully so that means I can speak to her again when we return. I’m not going to disappoint you like that, not when I know we are both looking forward to this.” he kisses me.
“Are you sure? I know this is probably a lot -“
“And time away with my woman will do me some good. I’ll relax and come back with a clear mind. We haven’t been spending a lot of time together and I want you to myself with no disturbance. I want to wake up next to you and get to have you whenever, however and on whatever surface there is, so no, you’re not unpacking. Her return changes nothing for us, I don’t ever want you to have doubts about that. Okay?” he holds my gaze while saying this.
” Okay. “my smile returns and my heart settles in place again.” you’re still not telling where we are going? “
“No, ma’am but I’m willing to give you a steamy preview.” his hands start roaming on my body.
“Are you sure you have enough time Mr? We wouldn’t want you to miss Khanyisa’s bedtime now would we?especially because you won’t be seeing her all weekend.”
“I’ll be missing supper but I’ll make it in time for her bed time.”
“Then let’s not waste more time talking,” I say and he lifts me up to have me wrapping my legs around him before he walks us to my bedroom.