BONDED FOREVER.
7. RETALIATION.
SHAMISO
“Are you almost done?” Ana taps her hand on her thigh, she’s asking me this question for the second time in a span of a few minutes.
“Almost, what’s the rush?”
“I’m just tired, I want to get home and wait for you to fix us something to eat.” she reminds me that it’s my turn, lucky for her, I don’t mind standing behind the stove. Domestic work is what kept me going for all those years when I felt like I was going to lose my mind.
” Okay, now I’m done. “I announce, trying to straighten the little crease on my shirt.
We make our way outside and and only then do I get to understand why she was rushing me earlier. Simon is standing outside and he looks ready to leave. I’m reminded that I never got back to him after bailing out of dining with him on my birthday, he hadn’t asked either so I guess I’ll just let things be.
“Anaishe?” I whisper as we approach him.
“Be nice.” she chooses to say with a bright smile that one can easily interpret as someone who just gave you a compliment from a distance.
We reach Simon is standing and he fixes his eyes on me “Are you guys ready to go?”
I look at Ana and she just stands there, looking pretty. I can’t bring myself to say mean things about her even when she steps on my toes.
“Are you knocking off too?” I know him to be one of the last people to leave.
“Yes, I have a family thing to attend later. I asked Ana to let you know that I’m offering the two of you a ride.”
“She didn’t tell me.” I shoot her a glare again. I may not be able to say mean things about her but she will know how I feel.
“Which is so kind of you, at least we don’t have to wait for taxis today.” she starts moving and we all do. I understand that Simon is being nice, which is why I’m not declining this ride but very soon I’ll have to set things straight before they get out of hand and my job is on the line. Anaishe seems to forget that this job is the only thing that is standing between me and poverty, she has a rich boyfriend who sends her money every other day and I only have myself. She knows that.
We get to Simon’s car and Ana is quick to jump at the back, if she thinks I’m going to sit in front then she’s mistaken because I join her at the back. I don’t miss the frown that forms on Simon’s lips but he quickly gets rid of it.
“You know remember our apartment building, right Si?” Ana asks.
“Yes, I still remember. One of you should have sat at the front, this isn’t an Uber ride.” He playfully lets the words come out but who wants to vet that he’s being serious?
“Front seats are reserved for the woman in your life, we don’t want to overstep.” Ana tells him. Pulling us out of the awkward silence that followed after what he said.
“I don’t have a special woman in my life.”
We start moving and I’m just glad the time I have to spend in the car is starting to move.
“So you’re single, single? Or you’re just single around people?” Ana jokingly asks and he chuckles.
“I’m single, single… But hopefully not for long.” I look up after he says this and catch him looking at me through the rear mirror, I quickly look away.
“I want to pass by the chicken Licken drive through, do you guys want something?”
“No.”
“Yes.”
Ana and I answer simultaneously.
“Which one is it?” he finds the none existed humor in our responses.
“We don’t have money for take outs and I’ll be cooking when I get home.” I answer before this one trades me for chicken wings.
“It’s on me, I don’t mind.”
“It’s not necessary, Simon but thank you.” I insist.
“I’m not expecting you to pay me back, Shamiso. Let me do this one thing for you. It’s not much, really.” He presses on and I just quietly sit at the back.
This is what I don’t want. What will happen when I tell him I don’t want whatever he’s trying to start with me? He will start counting all the things that he has ever done and possibly want repayment, I can’t have that. I can’t afford that.
Ana tells him what we will both be having and he doesn’t complain. When he gets the orders he quickly passes our plastic to the back and we both chorus a ‘thank you’
When we arrive at our apartment building, he finds a spot to park then says “May I have a word with you, Shamiso before you leave.”
You see this? I knew this was coming.
Ana happily hops off the car and with no concern whatsoever.
“I won’t be able to talk to you while you’re sitting behind me.”
“Perhaps we should both step outside then. ” I tell him and he agrees. He rushes over to my side as soon as he’s out of. the car.
“How are you?” he asks, rubbing his palms on his thighs. He’s nervous.
“I’m good, what about you?”
“I’m not sure. ” He sheepishly admits.
“You’re not sure?”
“Yes. You seem to be taking over my entire existence.” He gets a little closer and I look away, saying nothing. “Please look at me. ” He pleads.
“Simon-“
“No, please let me talk before I get cold feet. May I hold your hand?”
“No, I won’t feel comfortable,” I tell him and he nods then shoves his hands in his pockets.
“I like you, Shamiso. I’ve liked you since you started working at the restaurant. I’ve tried keeping quiet about it but I don’t want to wake up one day and find that someone has already snatched you while I was still working out the courage to ask you out. You’re a beautiful lady and it’s hard not to notice you… I can’t stop thinking about you-“
I can’t keep listening to him pour his heart out when I know very well that I’m only going to disappoint him so I stop him” Simon, please don’t do this. “
” Why? Am I coming on too strong? “he has concern laced all over his words.
” It’s not you. I just… I’m not looking for a relationship right now, I’m not trying to explore anything with anyone. I’m only getting my life together and that’s where my focus is. I’m not where I want to be in life, I don’t even have a proper plan. My life is a mess in ways that you can’t even begin to imagine and I really cannot add a relationship on top of that. “
” We could take it at your pace, I won’t force you into anything. “
” No, I can’t. I’m sorry but I can’t and it will not be fair of me to agree to what you’re asking when I already know it will not amount to anything. “
” What if I said I’ll wait for you to work through your issues? I’m a patient man, Shamiso and for you, I won’t mind waiting. “
” Asking you to wait would be me wasting your time. I don’t want to give you false hope and I don’t want to burden myself by living each day knowing that you’re waiting on me. I can’t, Simon. “I make sure to be clear” I believe that if something is meant to happen then it will happen. Who knows, you could meet the love of your life after leaving here instead of being strung along by someone whose more focused on her silent battles. “
” I don’t want to meet someone else now that I’ve met you, that’s what I’m trying to say to you. “
” I can’t be that person to you, Simon. I really can’t, I’m sorry. “
It goes quiet for a moment and I start to worry that he might try something but then he just nods” Okay. I hear you.”
“Are we good?” I hope he can’t see that I’m nervous right now. I don’t want to lose my job because of this.
“Yeah, yeah we are good. I apologise for bothering you, I’ll be on my way now. Goodbye.”
“Goodbye.” I immediately start walking away, feeling relieved that I’ve finally set the record straight but also scared of what’s to follow. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t lead him on knowing that he will never have my heart. I’ve only ever loved or felt so strongly about one person, so much that even when I was married to Rudo, all I kept thinking about was him. Although I will never be able to take us back to where we were before I left, I also know that I can’t pretend to love another the way that I love him. Maybe one day I’ll heal and be ready to move on the same way that he has but that day is not right now and it definitely isn’t tomorrow or the day after.
******
“Are you ready?” Anaishe asks when I exit my bedroom. I thought she’d still be in bed right now seeing that her shift is almost over.
“Why are you up?”
“I can’t sleep when I’m anxious. I’m scared for you, Shami,”
“If you’re this scared then imagine how I’m feeling,” I stop near the counter where there’s the kettle. It’s still warm and she’s holding a cup of coffee.
We sleep quite late last night after I told her what Simon and I spoke about. I also told her to stop trying to play match maker or it will only make things awkward at work and she agreed. From that topic, we moved on to the one for today. I’m going to meet with Andziso this morning and I feel like I’m about to get a running stomach. It also feels like my intestines have been scrambled together on the inside as my heart has dropped to my stomach, of there’s such a thing. Bottom line is, I’m a mess and I pray I won’t pass out before I speak to him.
“It has to be done.” she reminds me and I take deep breaths before answering her.
“I know, I just wish it wasn’t this hard.”
“The first time will be hard but once you guys start taking then things will smooth over, you’ll see. Just let him know that you aren’t here to disrupt his life, you just want to get to know Sarai.”
“My presence alone will disrupt his life. I’ve been gone for long and I’m sure by now he had worked around me not being there. Me showing up.is bound to have some cards falling.”
“You will help him pick them up then” she suggests with a shrug and I don’t even want to get into it. This is the same person who was ready to ship me with Simon until I put a stop to it.
As if I’ve just summoned him, my phone beeps and it’s a text from Simon. I stop talking and silently read it : “Kindly note that you can not switch shifts today. Your are required to report for work at as your duty roaster indicates that you should.”
My insides get tangled even worse as I read this. I had asked yesterday morning to exchange shifts with another colleague, Esme and this isn’t a new thing. Infact, I was introduced to this shift switching thing by her when she needed the afternoon off and the very same Simon agreed to it. This has been happening, unofficially of course but always with his approval and now that it’s me, it’s canceled?
I knew this was going to happen.
“What is it?” Ana asks when she sees the change on my face.
“What happened is that your sweet and nice Simon cannot handle rejection, that’s what’s happening,” I start marching to my room as my eyes start to burn from the tears that are at the brink of falling but I refuse to let them fall. I have a meeting with Andziso at exactly 09:15 and now I must be at work before then. Damn Simon!
” Shamiso. Wait, I don’t understand-” Anaishe calls out from behind me.
“You don’t understand what? Huh? What is it that you don’t understand? I kept telling you to stop this thing with Simon. I told you to stop giving him false hope but no, you just had to play match maker and now that I have told him that I don’t want him I’ll be paying the price for it. Next time I speak, listen to me, Anaishe! I knew exactly what I was talking about when I said he will retaliate if things don’t go his way. “I messed with his ego yesterday, this is definitely retaliation and it’s probably only the beginning of it.
” Sha-“
” No! you’ve said enough already. Just leave me alone. ” I loudly shut my bedroom door, creating some much needed distance between us. Now I need to get ready for work in less than two hours and my plans to meet Andziso? Not today.